TJ The Emperor

Bringing awesome to the world since 1990

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Speak English!: Racist Revolt As Coca-Cola Airs Multilingual 'America the Beautiful' SuperBowl Ad

I’m glad blogs like this exist. People who tweet this kind of sick shit need to be shamed into oblivion.


During the SuperBowl, the Coca-Cola Company aired a commercial to promote their brand as every other mega corporation who has a few million dollars to blow on a 30 to 60 seconds of television airtime. It was a nice commercial titled “It’s Beautiful” in which American people did American things…

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TJ’s Konspiracy Korner

For the past few days, I’ve been trying to figure out who Senator Ted Cruz reminds me of, and I finally figured it out. If Quentin Tarantino was born with Down Syndrome, he’d be Ted Cruz.

Striking, isn’t it!?

This got me thinking: what if Cruz is actually Tarantino’s evil, Down Syndrome twin who invaded Earth from Dimension X?

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Consider his 21 hour filibuster: was it really a tirade against the Affordable Care Act? Perhaps. Or perhaps Cruz is yet another example of Haggard’s Law: he has such a powerful, uncontrollable desire to lick Harry Reid’s feet that the only way he can curb these urges is to wholeheartedly embrace right-wing foolishness.

I think it’s brilliant. If you don’t agree, then to quote a random black televangelist who thinks he’s Jesus, SHUT YO GODDAMN ASS UP.

Filed under Ted Cruz Quentin Tarantino Conspiracy Congress Fuck

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No, you can’t deny women their basic rights and pretend it’s about your ‘religious freedom.’ If you don’t like birth control, don’t use it. Religious freedom doesn’t mean you can force others to live by your own beliefs.

President Barack Obama


(via barackobama)

(via niamandthings)

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How To Become An Incredibly Wealthy Artist (Even If You Have No Talent)

Hey! Yes, you, staring so intently at your computer screen. I know what you’re thinking. “My life is so unfulfilling. I’ve always wanted to be an artist, but I’m like the worst artist in the world! I’ll never accomplish my dream, and die morbidly obese and alone living in a split level shack in Montana near a colony of brown bears.”

What if I told you that you STILL CAN accomplish your dream? What If I told you that having any shred of artistic talent is totally unnecessary to actually become a great artist? No, I’m not making this up: you can do this RIGHT NOW, quickly and easily. How? By becoming a “conceptual artist”.

But what, Mr TJ, is “conceptual art”? I’m so glad you asked.  When you think of “art”, you probably conjure up images of classical masterpieces (The Mona Lisa, The Sistine Chapel, and so on). Back in the era of classical art, to become a true artist, you needed to (somehow) tap into the universal wellspring of emotion among the human race, to create something of such transcendent beauty that generations hundreds, even thousands, of years in the future will still look upon your work and be moved.

Sounds a bit too intense, doesn’t it? Well, fear not! Being a “conceptual artist” has nothing to do with any of that! Anyone on Earth can be a “conceptual artist”! And I’m going to tell you how, in a few quick and easy steps.

Step One: Get an idea in your head. This is the “concept” of your piece of “conceptual art”. This idea can literally be anything, but it’s best to choose something sad or tragic that everyone can agree with. For instance, “The Holocaust Killed A Lot Of Jews” would be a good concept. So would “Religion Makes People Do Bad Things”. If you want to make your concept a bit more American centered, you could go with “We Don’t Treat Black People Very Well”. For the purpose of this demonstration, I’ll use that as my personal example.

Step Two: Once you have your concept, you need a canvas in which to represent it. This, of course, is the “art” portion. You could, theoretically, choose to actually work on traditional canvas, but that is typically frowned upon. What you should do is choose something odd and unexpected; this will demonstrate that you’re such a massive genius that you can literally create art out of anything. A few good examples: a rusted piece of scrap metal, a discarded banana peel, a human toe, roadkill, a collection of tree branches, or a nearly empty roll of toilet paper. I’ll be using that one for my example. By the way, if you’re wondering how you could possibly connect your concept with the canvas you’ve chosen, don’t worry about it! It’s actually super easy! But more on that later.

Step Three: Find a way to include something disgusting in your work. Any kind of bodily fluid, especially fluids that are expelled through the anus or genitals, is a particularly good choice, as this will make you appear “edgy” and “not afraid to offend”. Yes, blood and sex is very common in other modes of art (particularly, cinema and the novel), which would suggest that this step is unnecessary, but you must remember: the audience of your work is going to consist mostly of pretentious white teenagers and older British men, so this becomes a non-issue. For my example, I will use human feces.

Step Four: Find some way of presenting your work in a public setting. This more or less will different depending on the materials you chose to use, so I can’t offer any specific advice here; don’t let that worry you, just do whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t need to be perfect. Just make sure it’s visually striking. For my example, I’ll present the used roll of toilet paper on a small porcelain table, and just throw the feces on every conceivable surface, making sure to nearly completely cover the roll in the process.

Step Five: Come up with a name for your work! The name should reflect your concept, but try and do it in the most convoluted way possible. This gives the audience more to think about. I would call my work, for instance, “I Left My Windpipe In Branson, Missouri”; if you don’t understand why, it’s OK. Of course, I know that the title really DOES refer to what I’m trying to say, but the fact I made it obscure means you have to think! Bonus points if you make your title either one word long, or paragraphs among paragraphs long. Extra bonus points if your title is in French, as this will give the impression that you are not only knowledgeable in French culture, but, by extension, implies that you worship the ground the Dadaists walk on, that you can recite any poem by Arthur Rimbaud from memory, and that you’ve seen every film ever directed by Jean-Luc Godard.

And that’s all you need to do!  I know, too easy, right? But really, that’s all you need!

If you have trouble trying to figure out, as I mentioned before, how to tie your canvas to your concept, what to call your work, or anything like that, don’t spend too much time thinking about it. Really, you could even just do the first thing that comes to mind. Because here’s the beautiful thing: as a “conceptual artist”, you don’t need to explain anything regarding your work. Your work, of course, is a powerful artistic statement that speaks for itself. If anyone harasses you and says it’s too dense, it means nothing, or anything of that sort, remember, YOU are the artist here. Your job is to create. It’s up to the audience to get it. If they can’t get it, it obviously means they aren’t smart or sophisticated enough to fully grasp your creative and thought provoking ideas, and are only getting angry at you because they’re jealous.

If you’ve read through this far, congratulations! You’re well on your way to becoming a world-renowned “conceptual artist”. Perhaps, young pilgrim, someday you will have a gallery of your own, perhaps next to my gallery of rows of multicolored pieces of toast, which represents my view of the flaws of America’s Electoral College System. I understand it’s a lofty goal. But I wouldn’t write this if I didn’t have faith in you.

Filed under Art Modern Art Motivational Infomercial Truth Conceptual Art Hitler Poop French Toilet Genius America USA College

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In light of the recent Presidential Debate

I need to ask this: Why, why, why do people feel the need to get into political arguments with others in the comments section on YouTube!?

I understand that everybody has the right to express their opinion, and that politics is somewhat of a heated topic. But I mean, you must realize, trying to have a rational political argument on YouTube is about as sane as letting live piranhas swim around your scrotum.  

If you’re truly serious about whatever political philosophy you subscribe to, why don’t you, instead of hiding behind the anonymity of YouTube, go out and join some kind of political organization? Then you can talk about politics all you want, and, you know, actually contribute to the political process, instead of acting like a troll.

Also, on a related but unrelated note, I have a message for Mitt Romney: If you blatantly cut off/interrupt the debate moderator or say the phrase “As a businessman” one more time, I’m going to drop kick a baby. That is all.

Filed under Debate Mitt Romney Douche YouTube Troll Flame Flame Wars Politics Election Internet

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Help A Brotha’ Out?

So, I’m applying for a Rhodes Scholarship, and I totally need some advice for what I should write in my personal statement.

Here’s my problem: I’m NOTHING like most of the people who win these scholarships.  Other people talk about how they tutor lower income people in reading and writing, or rebuilding houses in New Orleans.  Me…I stay up late watching Power Rangers and laughing at bad acting in gay porn.

I need to, somehow, emphasize my intelligence/intellectualism, uniqueness, and eccentricness, all in about two pages.  Give me some ideas?


Filed under Oxford Rhodes Power Rangers Gay Porn Porn Help Advice